As a parent, have you ever asked yourself, “Who am I after the kids leave home?” Does having an empty nest fill you more with worry or dread than anything else? How can you move from being a caregiver to a creator by reclaiming your passion in the empty next phase?
In this podcast episode, Jennifer Froemel speaks about embracing the empty nest syndrome.
In This Podcast:
Redefining identity
Prioritize health and wellness
Embrace growth and change
Reconnect with your partner and friends
Redefining identity
Who are you beyond being a parent for someone else? Even if this was your life’s dream and you have been a stay-at-home parent for years, what happens once the kids have grown up and are busy with their own lives?
In redefining the purpose outside of parenting, it can be challenging, especially if being a parent has been central to the identity that you’ve had for years … But again, this is an opportunity for self-growth, exploration and renewal … It’s about asking yourself; “Who am I outside of being a parent?”
Jennifer Froemel Which of your passions, hobbies, or skills did you put on hold while you were busy being a parent? Can you revisit these old activities?
Set some goals for yourself to slowly get back to trying the things that used to spark joy in you before you committed your time and energy to raising children.
Prioritize health and wellness
Once you start to take care of your mental health and emotional well-being, taking care of your body and your daily habits becomes easier.
Prioritizing health and wellness is important in this time as you are empty-nesting as well as exploring new adventures.
Jennifer Froemel Now, you and your partner, if you are married or in a long-term relationship, could even start looking at going on some trips or adventures together to exercise your newfound passions and to ignite a new spark in your relationship.
Embrace growth and change
One of the other crucial and helpful steps that you can take when it comes to re-centering your life after having your kids all grown is to practice gratitude.
This change can be tough, and it can seem like too much is changing too fast. Creating a gratitude practice, whether it is in your daily prayers, a journal, or meditation, helps you to remember and recognize the steady, good things that are still around you.
Practicing gratitude also helps to give you the perspective that change is not necessarily bad; it is just different. You probably will have some of the same things you have always loved, and now in new, fresh ways.
Acknowledge to yourself that this is really an opportunity … Turn any [lingering] sadness into an opportunity for growth.
Jennifer Froemel Recognize the sadness and the joy and gratitude alike. Allow yourself to mourn and grieve, and still wake up the next day and look for the good that is still around you. The grief and the growth can co-exist.
Reframe the change as an opportunity. It’s like shifting your mindset from loss to possibility. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, ask yourself, “What new opportunities does this phase of life bring for me?”
Jennifer Froemel Reconnect with your partner and friends
Last but not least, in rebuilding your life after your kids have grown up, you can give special attention to your partner and your close friends and family.
Put energy into your circle again. Join weeknight and weekend groups, attend parties, concerts, live music, game nights, and other events to support your friends and to be supported by them in turn.
Create daily or weekly rituals with your partner so that you can rediscover one another and even fall in love a second time, now that the children are grown.
You don’t have to fear these changes coming forward in life. You don’t have to fear the empty nest because, ultimately, the little changes you make, like I described, aid you and your growth and development.
Jennifer Froemel RESOURCES MENTIONED AND USEFUL LINKS Donate to Jennifer Froemel’s Lifesaving Work in Nepal
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ABOUT THE FEAR OF CHANGE PODCAST Change can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The Fear of Change podcast is all about helping you embrace change and live a more fulfilling life. Hosted by Jennifer Froemel, LCPC, a therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, we cover topics like mental wellness, holistic health, and improving relationships.
Jennifer’s down-to-earth approach makes it easy to understand why we fear change and how to move past those fears. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, relationship issues, or just feeling stuck, there’s something here for you.
Podcast Transcription
Jennifer Froemel 00:00:00 The Fear of Change podcast is part of the practice of the Practice Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like the Sensitive in Nature podcast, go to practice of the practice. Com forward slash network. Welcome to the Fear of Change podcast. I’m your host, Jennifer Cromwell, a therapist dedicated to helping you challenge your perspective. See, fear is only one option and discover that finding yourself is a lot of work, but totally worth it. In each episode, we’ll explore the depths of change, uncovering strategies to embrace it with confidence and resilience. So get ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. Let’s face our fears together and find the courage to create the life we truly desire. Thank you for joining me. Welcome back to the Fear of Change podcast series. And I am Jennifer from L LQ, a licensed clinical practicing therapist. Almost 30 years now and today we are going to be covering the topic again from that series of overcoming fear of Change in Midlife Embracing the Empty Nest syndrome.
Jennifer Froemel 00:01:32 And today we’re going to be kind of addressing the issues of who am I without my kids? Or from mom to me, finding purpose after the nest is empty and we’re going to be covering things like the emotional impact of children leaving home, how to redefine your purpose outside of parenting, turning sadness into new opportunities for self-growth and tips for reconnecting with a spouse or friends or yourself. So today we are really going to dig right deep down into this whole piece of when we’re changing in midlife. And I think empty nest syndrome is definitely one of the things that a lot of us, struggle with. many people are like, oh, I can’t wait until that happens. And then it happens. Much like I feel like we have happening. And I’m sure we’ll we’ll talk about sometime in the future that idea of, oh, I can’t wait to retire. And then retirement happens and its world is turned upside down unless we kind of prepare for it a bit. So again, as I said today, we’re really going to reflect on, our identity.
Jennifer Froemel 00:02:52 First and foremost, what are we beyond parents? And again, for many of us, maybe you saw yourself as a mom or a stay at home dad. Like that’s always kind of what you aspired for yourself. You wanted to grow humans. You you felt that need and that that pull and that, you know, inside you the drive. So in redefining the purpose outside of parenting, it can really feel challenging. Especially, like I said, if being the parent has been central to the identity that you’ve had for years or to what it was that you were aspiring to be, but again, this is also an opportunity for self-growth, exploration, renewal. So reflecting on your identity beyond parenting is really about asking yourself, who am I outside of being a parent, maybe even looking at some of your passions, hobbies, dreams, things that you’ve put on hold. I had a client who came in for services because she no longer felt like herself, and when we looked at things, she truly had become depressed by the clinical definition.
Jennifer Froemel 00:04:12 And I recall in my work with her, what we started to see kind of over and over was the similar thing that was happening. She went from being a partner who was working as a art teacher, to suddenly being a mom and a caregiver of a household and a spouse, to suddenly being sandwiched in between taking care of children, a household, having a relationship, and suddenly having to take care of your aging parents. And so what she found, what we found in the work with her was that after her, both of her parents passed away. And after she cleared up their estate, she found herself being a mom again and a spouse and a homemaker. And what she found was that she didn’t feel fulfilled. Part of what was happening with her, too, was that she had some complicated grief. She really managed the the downturn her parents took by herself, with her, with her husband, and not with her siblings. It was almost as if the siblings weren’t even a part of the process at all, though.
Jennifer Froemel 00:05:37 She had two of them, and we really had to muscle through some of that because there was a lot of mixed feelings. There was feelings about the fact that, you know, she gave up some of her parenting time with her younger children to be there for her parents. And really, she always envisioned or hoped that that she and her siblings would do it together. And they never had talked about it, and her parents had never talked about what they wanted either, which also complicated things, because what she found was that she was kind of making it up as she went along, and when her parents were able, they would tell her what they wanted. But sometimes they were so ill that a lot of times she had to guess. And if she’d go to her brother or her sister, a lot of times they were so removed they didn’t know either. And and so she got really kind of caught up in all of that. And so as we do in integrative therapy, looking at the entire person, what again, started to come up for her was this.
Jennifer Froemel 00:06:48 Wow, We we we need to work through this complicated grief. The fact that she has lost her parents, then the fact that she recognized that her sibling relationships were much different than she had thought they were. And then what did she want to do about those relationships, if anything? And then from there, what to do now that that they are gone? And she is back to this role of being mom and house homemaker. So we we really kind of went deep into things. And as we slowly started to kind of clear things up and layers of the onion fell off, what we uncovered was that in all of this change, she had left parts of herself behind. So in our work of reflecting on her identity, I said, well, gosh, you know, what were you doing before you became a homemaker? And she said, well, I was an art teacher. And I said, well, you know, what do you want to do with that? You know, do you want to do anything with that? Have you picked up art? So we started to dabble a little bit in the in session with some art therapy techniques, and that really started to get her reignited.
Jennifer Froemel 00:08:04 This is also in that integrative approach where I started looking at her from chakra space, meaning we started to recognize that as she would do artistic based things, creative based things, her sacral chakra started to kind of turn on and as the sacral turned on, it then started to kind of ping, if you will, on her solar plexus, which is that area right beneath your ribcage where your ribcage comes to a close. And, and a lot of people will tend to gain weight in that area or, you know, something like that, If in fact those chakras are not in alignment or they’re not functioning well. And she did, she had that going on. So we started to talk about some of those passions, some of the things that she loved doing, some of the dreams she had. And what started to flourish was that she was willing to start taking on some of these things just a little bit at a time. So she started to paint, and she painted something that she always thought would be kind of cool to paint, and she painted it specifically for her master bedroom for her and her husband’s bedroom.
Jennifer Froemel 00:09:24 And it was a surprise for her husband. He had no idea she was doing this, and she was so excited to share it with him. And when she hung it in the room, she said that seeing it helped her to really recognize herself, recognize what could come from her if she let it. So then she started to do more and more. And as her sons would video game at night and her husband would read, or her husband would write a paper for work in the family room, she created a own her own little section of the room where she set up, you know, shop with a canvas and her paints. And the family then became excited about it. And the more we worked, the more she thought, well, gosh, well, what else can I do? It really allowed her to access her thoughts and feelings and her beliefs about herself. And what is it she wanted? She talked all the time about how proud she was of her husband and his success and, you know, his movement out of one role that he had been in into another role at work.
Jennifer Froemel 00:10:37 and, and, and truly, you know, the more we did that, the more I saw the depression starting to roll away. We also started to do some work around her diet. We recognized she really wasn’t getting enough protein and as a result she was not sleeping well, so her sleep hygiene needed to improve. So we little by little started to see the depression kind of moving away. And so then the next thing that we like to do after looking at identity beyond being a parent, is setting personal goals. And so she really started to think about what are some short term and long term goals she could have as her children were aging? Her one son was was moving into junior high, the other was just going to be in fifth grade. And again, like, she’s not midlife. But she started to think about, well, what happens because that’s not that far away. So in her development of some short term and long term goals. She really started to allow herself to dream, and what she came to, and she got pretty sad about, was the recognition that she really shut off her dreaming about things, about, you know, what did she see herself and that, that that was really hard for her to, to work through because once she became a mom and her one son had, he had been on the spectrum of autism, she really felt like, again, she kind of put herself to the side and shelved herself.
Jennifer Froemel 00:12:18 And in some ways she did. And in some ways, she recognized that it needed to happen, but she had never come to terms with it, never called it out. So in that she started to look at short term, what are some of the things she can do? And so short term, she looked at her home, she looked at her environment. What were some of the things she wanted to change about it that would make her happy? She then started looking at long term goals, realizing that perhaps once her youngest was in junior high and her oldest was in high school, that perhaps she might want to consider going back to teaching art again. And we started to move around in that area, and she started to break these things down into small and manageable pieces, building up on the momentum. and it was so wonderful to see. We then looked at what are some old things that she used to do outside of teaching, and what are maybe some new things that she would like to do more of.
Jennifer Froemel 00:13:23 And she recognized that she also stopped being in her body all that much like the most she might do is like swim in her, you know, aboveground pool in the backyard. when the boys were in there. But other times, you know, it was really just like walking as is needed to kind of get through the day. So she actually went and joined a yoga studio and while there would start making some, you know, small talk with people and recognize, like, hey, outside of yoga, I could walk with some of these women because they’re all in the neighborhood. So she started to reconnect with some people and, and create and find new parts of herself and really enjoyed yoga, which she had never even known before. So now she had yoga going. She’s doing more with her art, she’s doing more with gardening and her home and beautification of it. And, you know, she really, again, like that idea of pursuing new and old passions. It really started to blossom. And then from there we looked at her personal development, and she recognized that she’d also really not continue to look at herself from a spiritual perspective as she was parenting.
Jennifer Froemel 00:14:43 as she was taking care of her parents as they were passing. So she started joining a group, at her local church, for women. And, and she found it really helpful because it was a general Christian group, but it was just open for for the women in the community to go and just talk about their own spirituality, their own sense of self. And really, I think, you know, what what made sense to her was that reinvigorating, reconnecting herself from a spiritual space, it helped her again with her chakra flow in her body. The energy that she felt, it really felt like it was coming from her, her base of her pelvis and going all the way up and out her her her crown chakra. And it really helped make her feel alive, which she hadn’t felt for so long in all the stress that she’d been enduring. We also had her take a look at some courses that she might want to consider. she had contemplated maybe taking Spanish because, again, if, you know, she was living in a community that they did have some, families that were Spanish speaking, she thought, you know, that could be helpful in working with students and their parents.
Jennifer Froemel 00:16:11 she also had decided that maybe it was worth her while to take a workshop related to working with kids, on the spectrum in the teaching environment, just in case she decided to go back. So she then met a couple people there who were in the same district of of school that that her her kids were in. so she felt like, wow. You know, if in fact, I do go back, perhaps these could be my coworkers, right? Or or at least someone in the district that maybe at other group meetings I might run into them, but nonetheless, like minded, you know, personal development, development and strengthening her relationships. So she did recognize that she and her husband had really stopped going on dates. So she started going on dates with her partner and, you know, really then allowing the dates to not be a place where they would just catch up for the day or catch up for the week, but it actually was a place where they could talk and dream together and that, you know, she, she and her husband were just so excited about that opportunity.
Jennifer Froemel 00:17:25 And, you know, it really, it also helped her to see that maybe there was more that they could be doing together as a couple. At one point they had both been on a softball team, and so they were talking about the possibility of maybe, maybe exploring that again. So for her, it was really helping that she could reconnect with her partner, meet new people like minded. So really, she started to grow. And she then found herself, helping at the school, her the local school that her, her youngest son went to. And oftentimes their principal would call on her on occasion to help out in the art classroom if they had a substitute teacher in there. And she really found herself whenever there was a substitute teacher, that the substitute teacher was pretty much the same person, and she would be kind of consulting with that substitute teacher about what were some of the art things that that she could be doing with the students. So she really started to see, like, wow, I have a lot to offer.
Jennifer Froemel 00:18:35 And when I’m giving of myself and I’m contributing to the community, I really feel fulfilled. So in a way, she became a mentor. But volunteering also helps that I know other people that I’ve worked with who have started to volunteer at food pantries and volunteer at, you know, animal shelters. They have found in themselves, like this part of themselves that they never even knew needed to be fulfilled in, in, in volunteering and loved it. they also got involved in I’ve seen clients get involved in charitable work, or advocacy or, you know, some, you know, work, you know, volunteerism around, helping businesses. You know, it’s kind of like giving of your skills And golly gee willikers, I can’t think of the name of the organization that I’m thinking of, and if I remember it, I’ll put it in the show notes. or say it again at the at the end. The other thing that we discovered, as I mentioned, prioritizing her health and her wellness. You know, she as she started to look at things, you know, saw like, oh, yeah, I’ve stopped getting haircuts regularly.
Jennifer Froemel 00:19:52 I’ve stopped, you know, getting movement in my body. So again, the yoga came in, more walking came in. And then on top of that, she really started looking at her diet. and again, we were we were doing good therapy. We’re doing good work. So prioritizing health and wellness is important in this time. as as you’re empty nesting and then exploring new adventures. So when she and her husband would go, on a date, they sort of talking about like, what would they want? They recognize, you know, that their oldest was going to be in high school and that this could mean that if, you know, the boys are both busy and the more people she met and the more her boys were connecting with other people, maybe they could even go on vacations together. Just the two of them. or they could do vacations with their children because. So for so long, she didn’t think she really could because of her son who was on the spectrum. And so she really started to look at experiences just outside of her comfort zone.
Jennifer Froemel 00:21:08 And I know one of the things that she started to do, her husband was, you know, always talking about wanting to dance. And she thought that that, you know, was not her bag. but but they they ended up signing up for dance classes. You know, another thing is, you know, some people I have a couple people right now that I’m working with that are considering moving, you know, considering moving to, North Carolina, South Carolina, you know, Tennessee, just another place where they could potentially have a more warmer client climate consistently. And, and, and being able to live a little bit more outdoors then perhaps, you know, Chicago offers. And then outside of that, it’s really important to consider a career or a side project if in fact you haven’t been working really looking at that. So again, with her, my, my client that I was talking about the art therapist, our art teacher, as, as we continued our work together, what slowly started happening was she was getting pulled a little bit more and more to mentor the substitute teacher and the more she got pulled in.
Jennifer Froemel 00:22:27 The more the principal, I guess, decided that it might be better. Rather than having a substitute teacher and having this volunteer person come in, it might be optional to actually hire her. So the end of our work together, she actually was offered a job at the school. They didn’t have a very big art program, but they had an art program. They did have dollars available for it. And she said yes. So again, getting a career going, a side project, you know, volunteering, connecting your passion projects, you know, really helping yourself, you know, find something that you’ve always wanted to do and try it out because you never know, it might just be really successful. Then the other thing, of course, is to practice gratitude Practice and embrace this change. Acknowledge to yourself that this is really an opportunity. The other piece that I want to address in all of this is, you know, recognizing the the sadness of not having the family that you’ve created, that my guess would be that you’ve liked embracing the sadness and turning that sadness into opportunity for growth.
Jennifer Froemel 00:23:51 You know, it’s a really powerful way to navigate life transitions. You know, like your kids leaving the home, it’s natural to grieve these changes. You know, that period of life can also serve as a catalyst for personal transformation. You know, I’ve seen plenty of families where, you know, the kids all are moved out and suddenly you see mom and dad, like, I’ve seen a couple of women become bodybuilders and, you know, dads like the manager for her bodybuilding competitions. And they’ve got all this new stuff that they’re into. it’s exciting, you know, but it is so important to acknowledge and accept your emotions, allowing yourself to feel the sadness instead of suppressing it. Journaling your thoughts, maybe even sharing some of those thoughts with your kids. Like I’m able to reflect on what a wonderful family life we’ve had thus far, right? And maybe sharing with them things that you want. You know, in seeing this growth and change, like do you want to do Sunday night dinner every night? you know, recognizing though, that the two the grief of of having this change but the growth that they can co-exist.
Jennifer Froemel 00:25:20 It’s not a linear process and, you know, helping to reframe the change as an opportunity. It’s like shifting your mindset from loss to possibility. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, ask yourself, what new opportunities does this phase of life bring for me that I never would have thought about? How can I use this time to rediscover myself? And I have to be honest, that question how can I use this time to rediscover myself? Many people go into parenthood kind of real quickly. and so they don’t really or haven’t really spent a lot of time thinking about the self. So for many people, I’ve seen, they go out and get three dogs to realize that. Yeah, I mean, sure, that’s an option. You know, you could go and adopt three new dogs. but helping yourself, giving yourself that time to rediscover yourself could also be a great investment. Sure, maybe you would eventually get three new dogs anyway, but it’s the ability to see yourself and find yourself and really seeing your children’s independence as a reflection of your own success.
Jennifer Froemel 00:26:39 As a parent, you know that they are out there, invested in the world, and invested in themselves is amazing and engaging in your self-discovery. You know, taking a self inventory. What interests do you have? What dreams or goals have you set aside for yourself? Exploring your personal growth, like looking at different self-help books, you know, with Brené Brown and different podcasts out there, or workshops, you know, reflecting on your values and passions and what excites you and brings you joy that you never knew because you never had the time for before. So it’s super helpful to to get into that space. As I mentioned, reconnecting with your spouse is really prioritizing your quality time together. You know, you may have been where your spouse was always traveling and you were always managing the kids from one place to the next, but you really didn’t have scheduled time together, or you had to schedule the time, and that was the only time you got. So as I mentioned with the other client, regular date nights, weekend getaways, sitting down with each other and just, you know, having putting your phones down, putting the TVs off, you know, and really just being able to connect and then trying new experiences.
Jennifer Froemel 00:27:59 Like I said, that coupled to dance class, you know, maybe you could do cooking classes, you know, traveling to new places, allowing both of you to explore. What have been some thoughts you’ve had? I know I just saw a picture the other day of of a space in Morocco, and I was like, I want to see that. and then improving your communication with your partner again, you know, growing through childhood and, and and so forth. It’s it’s hard and communication is always at, at such a premium, learning to express appreciation for each other, having deeper conversations and talking about things like your dreams, your fears and your goals and really just practicing active listening. I think sometimes when I get to see people who are who are in this place, they get so they’re so unsure of everything because it’s such a transition that they start to kind of nit pick at each other. And that’s kind of the way in which that they function. but really, this is an opportunity to just listen to each other, listen to what each other are saying, listen to what each other’s dreams are.
Jennifer Froemel 00:29:12 And and, you know, you might find in there that you feel the same thing. But again, if if you’re not actively listening and instead you’re kind of listening to respond, you miss it. also rediscovering your romance, you know, surprising each other with thoughtful gestures. You know, it doesn’t have to always be a sexual perspective, right? Intimacy comes from a deep knowing each other. Intimacy comes from an understanding of the other person. And if I know my partner absolutely loves French vanilla coffee, and I go and I see it and I get it, and I’m like, hey, thought about you. And that’s that’s there, you know? But physical intimacy such as holding hands, cuddling, you know, finding new ways to be Affectionate, creating moments of laughter and joy together again. You can do it through music. You can do it through videos. You can do it through, you know, going out to see live comedy concerts. But really supporting each other’s growth is so key.
Jennifer Froemel 00:30:26 Like I mentioned with the other couple, she had recognized that her husband was actually starting to, you know, look at changing jobs. She knew that that was going to be tough for him because she knew that he always loved doing the work he did. But in that way, he actually had to change because he had to retire, because the job doesn’t allow you to stay on after a certain age. And then, of course, last but not least, is reconnecting with friends. You know, you reaching out with a simple text, a voice text, you know, a quick call. Hey, how you doing? You don’t have to overthink it. You don’t have to know what you’re going to talk about. You just say, hey, you know, I’d love to catch up. Let’s go grab coffee. planning meetups to. And activities like. I so know that you love tacos. And I heard about this awesome taco place. Let’s go do it. Or. Hey, let’s go to the spa or let’s go for a walk.
Jennifer Froemel 00:31:28 Anything where you’re able to be present and engaged again, listening, actively showing up, genuinely sharing your interests. You know, again, the bodybuilder woman, she ended up making some friends and then ended up finding through one of, like, her class reunions. I think it was like the 30 year reunion that some of her, one of her other friends, had become a bodybuilder, too. And so really, it was so helpful, you know, to, to go and and here she was like, I’ve reinvented myself. but in reconnecting with friends is being present and engaged, you know, listening about their experiencing, you know, saying like, wow, I would want to do that, you know, would you ever consider doing it again? I’d love to go with you doing something thoughtful, like after you meet with them, maybe, you know, send them a little note or, you know, write them a text or, you know, just something small and then and then trying to remember a little things like, you know, following up with a woman, you know, who said that she was bodybuilding and how did she do in the most recent competition that you heard her talking about? But it’s so important that we make these things habits, we make these connections, habits.
Jennifer Froemel 00:32:51 So if every Sunday is the day that you call your friends, then keep that habit going so that we then you’ve got that occasional check in. I know a lot of people like to use social media to and group chats. That’s totally fine too. But really, being intentional about nurturing your friendships is so important more than anything. The biggest thing is to recognize that you don’t have to fear these changes coming forward in midlife. You don’t have to fear the empty nest, because ultimately, the little changes you make, like I described, aid you and your growth and development. And as always, aren’t you worth it? Thanks for joining me. Check in next. When we talk about understanding perimenopause, menopause and Andra pause in midlife. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Fear of Change podcast. I hope you found today’s discussion and lightning and empowering. Remember, change is inevitable, but how we respond to it is what truly matters. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review and share it with others who might benefit from our conversations.
Jennifer Froemel 00:34:18 Join me next time as we continue to explore new ways to handle change and live our best lives. Until then, I’m Jennifer from all, encouraging you to face your fears and embrace the journey of self-discovery. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with understanding that neither the host, the publisher or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical or any other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.
