How (and where) do you start the long but rewarding journey of rediscovering yourself after parenting? Have you ever wondered who you were beyond being a mom or a dad? How can you move from an empty nest to a full heart? 

In this podcast episode, Jennifer Froemel speaks about rediscovering your identity post-parenting. 

In This Podcast:

• The identity shift from parent to person 
• Tips on overcoming the emotional challenges of change
• Navigating guilt in self-discovery
• Final takeaways

The identity shift from parent to person 

When we look at the start of becoming a parent or a caregiver, for many of us, that starts as soon as we find out about a pregnancy or an adoption … Then we go on to have children who go on to college. We’re really seeing a large chunk of our lives [dedicated to someone else].

Jennifer Froemel

On average, most parents spend about 23 years with their children living under their roof. From birth to leaving to college or work elsewhere, many parents spend a little more than two decades dedicated entirely to another human being’s life.
Once they get old enough and start living their journey as a person, the parent has to take a step back and rediscover themselves. 

Who were you before you raised or took care of children? How can you start making space for your dreams, hopes, and desires again? 

This is normal to go through, and there is a huge sense of change [and a change] in our sense of self. It’s growth.

Jennifer Froemel

Tips on overcoming the emotional challenges of change

For many people, this change feels scary or overwhelming. For many others, this change is exciting, and probably for most, it is a mix of the two. 
Here are some tips that you can use when you are navigating this scary yet exciting new phase of life;

• Find new passions: Give yourself the permission (and time) to explore new hobbies! Try out the things that you didn’t have the time or energy to try before, and dedicate some intentional time to get to know yourself in these new ways. 
• Rediscover old passions: Alternatively, reconnect with what you used to love before you got busy taking care of a family. See how it feels to try out the things you used to do and adjust where necessary. 

This is actually a beginning. We know that the human life span is much longer than what it used to be, and so again, we’re talking 50s, maybe even late 40s and into early 60s, to look at yourself and say, “Wow, I can redefine who I am!”

Jennifer Froemel

• Create supportive relationships and communities: One of the best ways to embolden yourself to be transformed by this change in your life is to find and make friends with people who know what it feels like.

Ultimately, this phase of life is a time for you to deservedly reinvest in yourself. Check out your health, your mental well-being, your relationships, your passions, and your schedule. 

Now, you have the freedom and ability to refocus most of your attention and energy on your personal life. How do you want to use this great gift? 

Navigating guilt in self-discovery

Many parents feel guilty about shifting their focus back to themselves after their children have grown up enough. 

However, the fact that you are going off on your own journey is an incredible inspiration for your children, even if they cannot see it yet. They get to see you take care of yourself and permit yourself to live life well, and that is a great lesson to pass along. 

Remember that your growth and fulfillment enrich your relationships as well, both with yourself, your partner, and your children. 

You talking about your magnificent journeys, your stories; those things are inspiring! So many books, so many stories! And it doesn’t mean that you need to sit around a campfire with your kids to hear those stories … So take yourself out for a few weeks at a time to explore, and go on that journey. It’s huge!

Jennifer Froemel

Final takeaways 

You deserve to live fully, beyond your role as a parent and a spouse. Remember, rediscovering yourself after midlife is not about losing your role as a parent because you bring all of that with you! But now, it is about expanding who you are becoming! 

In midlife, you have such a great opportunity to reinvent yourself now, and who you can (and want) to be. 

RESOURCES MENTIONED AND USEFUL LINKS

Donate to Jennifer Froemel’s Lifesaving Work in Nepal

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CONNECT WITH ME

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ABOUT THE FEAR OF CHANGE PODCAST

Change can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The Fear of Change podcast is all about helping you embrace change and live a more fulfilling life. Hosted by Jennifer Froemel, LCPC, a therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, we cover topics like mental wellness, holistic health, and improving relationships.

Jennifer’s down-to-earth approach makes it easy to understand why we fear change and how to move past those fears. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, relationship issues, or just feeling stuck, there’s something here for you.

Podcast Transcription

Jennifer Froemel 00:00:00 The Fear of Change podcast is part of the practice of the Practice Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like the Sensitive in Nature podcast, go to practice of the Practice Network. Welcome to the Fear of Change podcast. I’m your host, Jennifer Cromwell, a therapist dedicated to helping you challenge your perspective. See, fear is only one option and discover that finding yourself is a lot of work, but totally worth it. In each episode will explore the depths of change, uncovering strategies to embrace it with confidence and resilience. So get ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. Let’s face our fears together and find the courage to create the life we truly desire. Thank you for joining me. Welcome back to the Fear of Change podcast, and I’m your host Jennifer from El LCP. Well, again, so excited in this series to really dig deep again into our changing identity as we approach midlife. And really, today’s episode is all about rediscovering yourself after parenting. Jennifer Froemel 00:01:28 As you’ve already heard in the previous series of this this series. we’re really looking at this journey that both women and men go through but rarely talk about. And if you’ve ever thought like, I don’t know who I am outside of being a mom, you’re not alone or a dad, right? I mean, this episode is all about helping you find yourself again and embrace your growth and step into the next version of who you are. So today we’re going to really start off by talking about this identity shift. You know, when we look at the start of of becoming a parent or a caregiver in our, our life, for many of us that starts as soon as we find out about a pregnancy or as soon as we find out about an adoption or your in vitro results. Right. So we find out about this and then we go on to, you know, in some cases have children that go on to college. And so we’re really seeing a large chunk of our life. And again, so if your child is not a Doogie Howser, we’re talking about, you know, zero ground zero of, you know, I just found out I’m pregnant. Jennifer Froemel 00:02:57 nine months for that time paint time frame and then and then, you know, again, if you’re if you’re with a kid and they’re still living in your house, until they graduate from college, you’re looking at age 22. So we’re talking a good chunk of your life. That’s about 23 years. And then if you have another child or more children after that, right. We could be talking 35 or 40 years, all depending and all depending on, you know, how those children launch from your environment. So, you know, for for so many of us women especially, we really spend decades prioritizing, our children’s needs. And I want to focus on women here because often in our society, at the expense of their own personal growth, women tend to be the caregivers, while men tend to be the breadwinners. And again, I guess I am utilizing in some ways many stereotypes. but even in, you know, same sex relationships, we still find that one of the partners tends to take on more of the caregiving role than the other person. Jennifer Froemel 00:04:11 And, you know, I do see quite a few households where it is a split thing, but a lot still of the things like packing for vacation or, you know, cleaning and getting prepared for holiday gatherings or decorating for holidays and putting decorations away for holidays, all of that tends to focus on one of you, one of the partners. And again, it tends to be more of a female role. And and so that idea of giving up yourself for the sake of the family, for the sake of the children is a really big deal. And it’s a very real thing that I’m really excited to share with all of you today and and help blow the lid off this mother, because really, we need to be identifying that this is happening and and helping people understand that, that this is normal, to go through a huge sense of change and a sense of sense of self growth. So this transition, you know, when that happens, it it can be really overwhelming. There’s also the potential for some excitement. Jennifer Froemel 00:05:26 Right. I’ve met quite a few women in some of my classes that I take. I take some Pilates classes and some other, really pretty awesome classes that, help me in connecting to my mind and body. But they also help me in connecting to, my spirit and my sense of camaraderie with with the women that are in the classes with me. There are some men in these classes as well. So again, that’s why I’m not leaving out our men, but the vast majority of of this role of, you know, really having your identity be that of a mom is is a really big thing that happens societally here in our, I’d say, our Western culture, our European culture, even. And questions that often arise are like, well, what’s my purpose now? What do I do with my time? Who am I outside of being a mom? And I’ll tell you all right, now for me, when I decided when my husband and I decided that, you know, we wanted to raise a family and we wanted to try, you know, to have our own family, we really sat down and, you know, I had gotten a master’s degree, and I really enjoyed my work as a therapist, and that I don’t want to let that go. Jennifer Froemel 00:06:51 and so we were really looking at, well, what what would be a good fit for me to be a mom and to, in fact, raise a family still work. And, at the time, I had a pretty interesting thing happen. we had found a home, after, you know, a small searching time frame, I’d say about six months. You know, it was just the two of us, so it wasn’t really hard to identify what we wanted. but around that same time, I was working at a, an a nonprofit and really enjoying my work. but thinking about the idea of becoming a parent. And in thinking about that thought, well, gosh, I really need to be closer to home. So I really started to craft what was going to be my role outside of the home. Here I was, I wasn’t even pregnant yet and, ended up interviewing for a role and at the same time had also thought about the idea of, you know, using my skills for the FBI and had started to be inquiring about that and being perhaps a special agent with the FBI. Jennifer Froemel 00:08:06 And so I went ahead and threw my hat in the ring there. And then a colleague of mine was teaching at Northern Illinois University and in a doctorate program, and we had met and really hit it off. And she was looking for some new teaching assistants, Tas, as you will call them. and so all this like suddenly this moment came upon me where I was in the process of of looking at, you know, becoming a special agent with the FBI. And then my colleague from northern reached out and said, listen, I have this to role open. Do you want to get a doctorate degree and not have to pay for it? and at the same time, I was working full time and I had my small private practice going and life was fine. Life was good. And we were talking about trying to start a family. And, well, within a matter of a couple of weeks after, you know, having all this come forward, I decided, well, gosh, I should check with the FBI. Jennifer Froemel 00:09:15 Like, what would it mean? You know, could we stay in Chicago? and, you know, what would it mean if I. If I took this role at northern, And, well, after all was said and done, the woman at northern was like, well, we’d want you to, you know, kind of live here five days a week. So, you know, you want to probably look at that and that’ll be a couple of years. and then the FBI said, I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t believe that we’re even coming to this point right now. You know, this close to you going to Quantico and, you know, listen, you’re going to be our bitch. So you know you’re going to make $57,000 a year. You’re going to go where we say you’re going to go, that’s that. And I thought, oh my gosh. So here I was right at the precipice of thinking like, I want to try to get pregnant, but then I don’t want to lose myself in my career. Jennifer Froemel 00:10:10 And, well, I chose neither of those options, and I chose to stay at the nonprofit and continue my private practice and poof, here I am years later. but I feel like I’ve had a really, you know, good run of my career. And so here now in life, I’m looking at, well, gosh, you know, pretty soon, you know, I’m going to be an empty nester with, you know, kids in college, whether they leave the nest or not and go to college anyway. We’ll see. but but the shift is so real, and, I recognized that at that time, you know, I started to see more clients who had families and was hearing these women who were starting to take a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety, and they really were struggling with losing themselves, losing the careers that they had started to start a family. And so came up with some really, you know, creative things with those women. So many of them got off of the meds and found working out and found, you know, mom groups. Jennifer Froemel 00:11:22 And, it really helped them a lot. But here in this shift, we’re looking at some of the some of the other things that come along with, you know, the real emotional challenge of, of looking at who am I, you know, again, having given of yourself, you know, 22, 23 years for one, you know, the development of one human. And again, if you have others, obviously more years than 23, but the shift really brought for so many of them emotional challenges. And, you know, when they were giving up, when they realized that they had given up their careers, and now these women who are finding themselves empty nesters and they’re, they’re proud of their children, they’re proud of the investment that they put into their children and into the family. But the sadness and the anxiety of who am I? And the guilt even about now, now I’m focusing on myself, you know, that just feels wrong to to focus on myself. I feel selfish. Jennifer Froemel 00:12:34 And so it’s so important in helping to like, reconnect. And I think you heard me in a previous episode talking about my client who had had lost and left her passion for being artistic and being creative. So finding new passions and interests like, you know, connecting again with your artistic self, maybe picking up your hobbies again, like if you did, used to go for long walks with friends, getting those walks back in, some cases dreams you’ve put on hold. Maybe you always wanted to learn how to be an interior designer, and maybe you work for a house flipping company. you know, before you had kids and many women, when I say before you had kids and now they’re in perimenopause, guys. So again, some of that brain fog comes into play where they’re not remembering. What did I like before? we’ve even gone so far in treatment, you know, in counseling sessions for me to have them open up their yearbooks, you know, to, to remind themselves, what did I do before I became a parent and before I became a homemaker? And then, of course, there’s like the idea of, you know, trying new things. Jennifer Froemel 00:13:54 And for some women, the idea and the anxiety that comes forward of, you know, well, people are going to look at me funny or I don’t have the outfit for that or the clothes for that, or some women who, you know, are looking at like getting back into working and, you know, they’re they’re finding themselves older than their counterparts that are coming out of college. the idea of two of, of maybe even starting to travel, you know, the fear of leaving the home environment that they’ve been in for so long and going to something new is very overwhelming for many people. And then, of course, of course, exploring creative outlets, you know, like I’ve met some women who, you know, they’re super creative in their own kitchens and they’ve they’ve started to hear from other women about these options to, you know, get, get some leftover foods from different restaurants and things like that and remake meals in their own kitchens, and then take those things over to local food pantries and things like that. Jennifer Froemel 00:14:57 super creative. Very different things to do. Even joining, you know, some some local area arts organizations where you, you know, you start doing more woodworking because you found yourself enjoying it at one time, but you never went back to it. So these are some of the things that are super helpful. And then really allowing yourself to be surrounded with people in a similar stage of life. I think you’ve heard me talk about at this point in my life, I’m finding myself creating some relationships with women who are ten plus years older than me, and it’s really enlightening for me to look at life with their lens and vice versa. and we’ve been able to do a lot in the way of aligning our interests and really looking at things. and sharing with each other and just the surrounding yourself with those folks. It’s just such a breath of fresh air as well as exploring, you know, your own self, you know, using journaling methods and, obviously therapy and life coaching. You know, again, I have found so many women at this stage looking at themselves and saying, well, I know what I did to get through childhood to make ends meet. Jennifer Froemel 00:16:21 But now what? You know, it’s like this tabula rasa, this blank slate in front of you. So how are these women doing it, men? How are they embracing their personal growth? And so what we’re finding for them is it’s, again, for some very awe inspiring. And they’re excited, right? They’re they’re wanting to walk into new places. but then there’s a whole bunch that are seeing this phase as like an end. And what we’re trying to help them to see is this is actually a beginning. You know, we know that the human lifespan is much longer than what it used to be. And so, again, for many of these people, we’re talking, you know, 50s, maybe even late 40s, into their early 60s, that they’re looking at themselves and saying, wow, I get to like, redefine who I am. And again, for, for quite a few folks, it’s overwhelming. and so for those folks I talk about, like, let’s just walk into it open minded. Jennifer Froemel 00:17:30 And maybe if you’ve got one friend that’s, you know, kind of in the same place, that’ll help you to see that you are definitely not alone. but it’s really this is your opportunity to invest in yourself, really reassessing your health, your body. I’ve seen so many women who have moved into really paying attention to their physical strength that that have never been able to do that before and never even thought to do that before. And, you know, I’ve even seen some women doing bodybuilding in their 50s and 60s. so really taking, taking stock and recognizing, you know, maybe their family systems even there were some osteoporosis. And so then they started to learn about that. Lifting actually helps gain, you know, bone strength. And, it’s just been a hoot just to see some of these, you know, stories and then the aspirations that, that come forward, setting new goals for their career. You know, taking a look and going, I can start to say no now, I don’t like doing that. Jennifer Froemel 00:18:40 And I know I don’t like doing that. Rather than going, fine, I guess I’ll do it. and and looking at relationships, you know, in their in their own personal development. You know, it’s like, you know, I used to have to deal with Aunt Margie all the time. And she drove me nuts then. And she drives me even more nuts now. And you know what? I don’t want to keep dealing with Aunt Susie or, you know, Aunt Margie, I, I want to I want to go deal with Uncle Lester, you know? really getting to say yes to the things that fill you and no to the things that don’t. And then, of course, as you embrace your personal growth, you’re able to give yourself permission to explore more. You know, you’re allowed to change, you know, just like your children are growing into their next phase. You can be too. I was so inspired this past week when I heard, oh my gosh, I heard, Michelle Obama. Jennifer Froemel 00:19:43 Good lord, that I couldn’t think of her name, that I heard Michelle Obama talking about the fact that, you know, people were suggesting she’s going to get divorced because she’s been being different because since leaving the public eye and the presidency, she’s done some things on her own. She’s made some big girl decisions on her own and isn’t tied at the hip with, you know, President Obama. And just, you know, I was like, oh, thank goodness she’s talking about this. You know, I again went myself with my mountaineering journeys that I’ve been doing these last couple of years. My husband said he wanted to do these things with me. And then when I was ready to do it, he wasn’t ready. And so rather than say, you can’t do that, wait for me. He said, go, go do your thing. And in reflection, we’ve actually talked about the fact that, you know, before we had kids, I would go on a trip with my friends or my friend, and he would go on a trip by himself or with his friends. Jennifer Froemel 00:20:52 Actually, he’s mostly gone with friends. but this idea of, you know, we used to do this before we had kids, and there’s nothing wrong with you each still having some semblance of who you are as you’re aging, right? This idea of of the guilt, though, that that we go on, and that we, we’ve, you know, lived through that 23 plus year time frame, depending, again, on how many kids you’ve had and their age gaps and and focusing instead on your self-development. This is something that I really want to point out. because this is something that I think many of us don’t talk about. many parents feel guilty about shifting their focus to themselves, and I can personally say that there have definitely been times. You know, in my planning for these treks of, you know, making sure that I have figured out almost everything to the to the hilt except for pick up and drop off. Right. And, you know, allowed my husband to do that and allowed my husband to figure out meal planning, and just feeling a deep sense of, you know, guilt that I’m not going to be there for these three weeks. Jennifer Froemel 00:22:19 but I have to say, in recognizing that we going off on our own journeys and we going off to be that version of ourselves that we’ve waited, we’ve pushed the pause button on, we’ve put ourselves in a parking lot and then our kids getting to see us do these things and then they get to hear our stories. Of course, if we share them right, they get to see that and experience it in a way that likely has been very different than the generations before us. And that, again, is priceless. The ability to say, oh, Maggie, I really don’t want to leave, but but if I leave, I’m going to possibly find a part of myself that I’ve always wondered if it existed. And for your teenage Maggie to say, you know, mom, go enjoy your journey. I’m. I’m going to be okay. But so many parents and women don’t want to take that chance because it feels so overwhelming when the guilt is there, when you feel like something happens or something’s going to happen. Jennifer Froemel 00:23:39 Recognizing that. Prioritizing your own And happiness sets a positive example for your kids. They get to see you being you. And the level of positivity that that spreads goes viral like a good TikTok video. Your growth and fulfillment enriches your relationships as well. It doesn’t really take away from them. I think many women again, and men to think, yeah, if I talk about myself, you know, people are going to think, you know, she’s just being that thing. But the thing is, is you talking about your magnificent journeys, your stories. Those things are inspiring. I mean, how how many movies have you seen that have all been inspired by real life amazing stories of trials and tribulations or lots of tribulations and then some. Some joy at the end? Tons. So many books. So many stories. And it doesn’t mean that you just have to sit around a campfire by your kids in order to hear those stories. You’re likely not going to write. So taking your LB yourself out for 2 to 3 weeks at a time to explore and to to do that journey, you know, that’s huge. Jennifer Froemel 00:25:05 And the and again, the growth and fulfillment that that your relationships get when you are outside of your normal environment is ginormous. It is, again, like you can’t put a price tag on that. And the other thing that I will say is the idea in this whole guilt ridden section of life, in trying to develop yourself again, is to really go back and embrace that self-compassion. You know, to recognize, you know, I know so many people who, when they’re about to take a trip. The first thoughts that they have is okay. All right. So if this plane crashes right again why? You guys have heard me say it before. Our brains are programmed to head on a swivel, keep you alive so our brains are programmed to go to the negative place first. Do we have to stay there? Please resoundingly say no with me. The answer is no. We don’t have to stay in it. But it’s normal to feel uncertain. But you deserve to live fully beyond your role as a parent, beyond your role as a spouse, beyond your role as whatever the fill in the blank is you do for work, you’re worthy of that, and it’s a part of your self-development. Jennifer Froemel 00:26:33 So again, the final thoughts and takeaways for today is that rediscovering your identity in midlife Life is not about losing your role as a parent. You bring all of that with you when you are being yourself. It’s about expanding who you are becoming. And in midlife, this is such a powerful opportunity to reinvent and grow. You’re still you, but you have more wisdom, more experience. Maybe gray hair, maybe not. Maybe excess little, you know, body sections of yourself that you didn’t have as much before. But the bigger thing is, is you found you. And the goal of finding your authentic self. Thank you. Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs is there and is available to you. If you go out and get it. But otherwise you will likely never get it. And so again, I want to thank you for joining me in this episode. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe. Leave a review. Share it with someone who might need to hear this. Let’s keep this conversation going. Jennifer Froemel 00:27:55 Connect with me on social media. I’m on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn. and you also, if you could take a look at our page and see our contributions to Nepal, to the group home on our list, and consider that as well. If not, I’ll see you next time. And continue embracing change with confidence and courage. Because isn’t it worth it? I bet you are. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Fear of Change podcast. I hope you found today’s discussion enlightening and empowering. Remember, change is inevitable, but how we respond to it is what truly matters. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review and share it with others who might benefit from our conversations. Join me next time as we continue to explore new ways to handle change and live our best lives. Until then, I’m Jennifer Brummel, encouraging you to face your fears and embrace the journey of self-discovery. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. Jennifer Froemel 00:29:28 It is given with understanding that neither the host, the publisher or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical or any other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.