What happens when the roles that once defined you no longer feel like they fit? Can grief and growth exist together during a midlife identity shift? Who are you becoming when you stop living according to everyone else’s expectations?
In this podcast episode, Jennifer Froemel discusses the midlife identity shift: “Who am I when I’m no longer who I used to be?”
In This Podcast:
- What is the midlife identity shift?
- Common changes in the midlife identity shift
- You can miss something and not want it back
- Final takeaways for listeners
What is the midlife identity shift?
Throughout our lives, our identities are often based on our roles: being the baby, the child, the teenager, the potential wife or mom.
Much of who we are and how we operate in our families and societies is connected to the roles we perform in social settings.
While this can have some benefits, it can also have some drawbacks, particularly the risk of so closely overlaying who you are uniquely with the role you perform for others: that is where you begin to lose yourself, and your identity can fall into crisis when change inevitably occurs.
At some point, between 40 and 60 years old, the roles loosen. As your kids start growing up, they can make their own lunches. Your career stabilizes, or you recognize that it’s just not fulfilling anymore, so maybe you go back to school … Your relationships change, maybe you get divorced … Your priorities change … Your body starts to change … And desires shift: things that were important to you before … no longer matter.
Jennifer Froemel
What was once strongly for you can no longer feel like it’s yours. What used to be your stable routine can feel like a prison or stifling.
Many things can become inverted, and your life changes. In this moment, you are entering into a difficult but incredibly potent and vital time: to get involved in your life again, and to make it your own.
When the identity doesn’t feel like the identity you’ve built before, it really feels like you’re out of your body. You are no longer part of the system that you’ve had, that you’ve created. That is midlife identity awakening.
Jennifer Froemel
Common changes in the midlife identity shift
While it would be an understatement to say that there are big changes that occur during a midlife identity shift, there are some common threads throughout people’s experiences, some of which may include:
- You begin to notice how the things that used to energize you have begun to drain you
- You start grieving parts of yourself that you no longer resonate with
- Your values have evolved as you have aged, and your values when you were 25 are no longer the same ones that you have at 45
- You have the space to ask deeper questions about who you are and what you want to experience in life
- Your hormonal changes, which lower your tolerance to being inauthentic to yourself, and inauthentic in general
- You no longer want to abandon yourself to keep the peace
- You feel pulled to something new
- You want meaning more than responsibility and accolades
You’ve collected enough life at this point to know what’s real, and to know what you like and you don’t. Again, midlife isn’t the end of your identity; it’s the beginning of your authentic identity.
Jennifer Froemel
You can miss something and not want it back
Grieving and mourning the life that you no longer feel aligned with doesn’t necessarily mean that you want it back.
Grief doesn’t mean you want to go back, per se; it just means that you honor what brought you to this point.
Jennifer Froemel
You can mourn and say goodbye to the person that you were, the roles that you played, and the life that you lived as you go through this midlife identity change.
There is something new for you beyond it, and a version of yourself that is more attuned to you, who you are, and an authentic life designed to fit you, and not other people.
Final takeaways for listeners
Here’s a short but potent exercise you can do to connect with yourself:
- Close your eyes
- Take a slow, long inhalation and an even longer exhalation
- Ask yourself: “Who have I been? Not as a role, but as a person?” and then, with your next big inhalation, ask yourself, “What parts of me have I outgrown?”
- Allow any emotion that comes up to come up without pushing it down
- Again, ask yourself, “What parts of me were never mine to begin with?” These could be expectations, roles, or survival strategies, inherited patterns from your parents
- Finally, ask yourself: “Who am I becoming?”
This is the beginning of your next identity!
RESOURCES MENTIONED AND USEFUL LINKS
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ABOUT THE FEAR OF CHANGE PODCAST
Change can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The Fear of Change podcast is all about helping you embrace change and live a more fulfilling life. Hosted by Jennifer Froemel, LCPC, a therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, we cover topics like mental wellness, holistic health, and improving relationships.
Jennifer’s down-to-earth approach makes it easy to understand why we fear change and how to move past those fears. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, relationship issues, or just feeling stuck, there’s something here for you.
