Have you ever confused people-pleasing with genuine kindness? What beliefs about being “good” are you still carrying today? How might your life change if your needs mattered just as much as everyone else’s?
In this podcast episode, Jennifer Froemel discusses “The Good Girl Trap” in the Coming Home to Yourself series.
In This Podcast:
- The invisible contract
- Noticing and unlearning learned beliefs
- Stop self-silencing
- “Good” – what does it actually mean?
- Your reflection task
The invisible contract
Over the years, I’ve begun thinking about something I call, “The Invisible Contract.” It’s not written anywhere. No one signs it, yet many women and men carry it everyday. It sounds something like this: if I am helpful, I will be loved. If I am dependable, I will belong. If I don’t disappoint anyone, everything will stay okay.
Jennifer Froemel
Perhaps you have never consciously chosen to believe these words, but beliefs don’t have to be spoken to have influence over our lives.
While many women and men don’t necessarily consider this behavior as a literal contract, it can come up in how they choose to live.
Sometimes [these behaviors] are simply lived, day after day, year after year, until they begin feeling like truth. Here’s what I want you to know: this isn’t about blaming kindness … The problem isn’t kindness, the problem is when kindness only flows in one direction toward everyone else, and never towards ourselves.
Jennifer Froemel
You can break and get out of this invisible contract by remembering that healthy love includes:
- Self-respect
- Self-compassion
- Receiving from others
Noticing and unlearning learned beliefs
So much of what we do and who we are comes from learned behaviors and patterns that we collected over the years from our society, caregivers, peers, and other people.
The problem is that often people, when they are unaware, teach others their fears, maladaptive practices, or people-pleasing habits.
Therefore, the trick is later in life to learn which behaviors we practice initially belonged to other people, and to intentionally unlearn them by replacing that behavior with something intentionally your own.
We learn through observation. We learn through emotional experiences. Once our brains discover a pattern that appears to keep us connected to the people that we love, we keep repeating it, even decades later. So, your nervous system really does remember what your mind has forgotten.
Jennifer Froemel
Stop self-silencing
Self-silencing is the tendency to suppress one’s own thoughts, needs, or emotions to maintain harmony and avoid conflict.
While everyone’s experiences are unique, studies have linked chronic self-silencing with higher levels of emotional distress, depressive symptoms, relationship dissatisfaction, and increased stress. Why? Because human beings weren’t designed to continually ignore themselves: we are wired for connection, and healthy connection includes ourselves.
Jennifer Froemel
Research on chronic stress tells us that when someone’s stress response remains activated for long periods of time, it can affect:
- Sleep
- Memory
- Attention
- Immune function
- Cardiovascular heath
Remember, the body keeps the score, and if you continue to self-silence your physiological responses to what happens in your life, you risk both physical and emotional dysregulation. Keeping the peace must include yours.
Jennifer Froemel
“Good” – what does it actually mean?
Many women define “good” as always:
- Available
- Agreeable
- Dependable
- Sacrificing
How do you define “good”? Could you challenge yourself to edit and update this definition, so that when you apply it to yourself, it centers around filling your cup before another’s?
What if a good woman was also honest, well-rested, emotionally present, and able to say “no” when necessary? Able to ask for help, able to model healthy boundaries for her kids. Imagine the lesson your daughter would learn when she watches you say, “No, I can’t today!” Imagine the lesson your son would learn seeing a woman honor her own needs. Boundaries don’t simply protect us: they teach the next generation what healthy love looks like.
Jennifer Froemel
Your reflection task
You’ve got to remember: love that includes your needs is much healthier than love that requires your needs to disappear!
Every evening, before going to bed, write down one moment that you honored yourself and your needs. Jot down the smallest moment right up until anything big.
At the end of the week, read your list, and celebrate every step!
Follow this up with the following reflection questions:
- When did I first begin believing that being helpful made me lovable?
- Which expectations in my life genuinely reflect my values?
- Which expectations belong to someone else’s story?
- Where do I feel guilt when I care for myself? Is that guilt protecting an old relationship or old belief?
- What would healthy love look like if it included me too?
- If I believed that my worth couldn’t be earned because it already existed, what would change tomorrow morning when I woke up?
RESOURCES MENTIONED AND USEFUL LINKS
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ABOUT THE FEAR OF CHANGE PODCAST
Change can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The Fear of Change podcast is all about helping you embrace change and live a more fulfilling life. Hosted by Jennifer Froemel, LCPC, a therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, we cover topics like mental wellness, holistic health, and improving relationships.
Jennifer’s down-to-earth approach makes it easy to understand why we fear change and how to move past those fears. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, relationship issues, or just feeling stuck, there’s something here for you.
